


Goodbye To You

by romanticalgirl



Series: Hello Goodbye [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1160989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Goodbye To You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

I'd promised myself that I'd never come back here again. I swore that I'd never step foot across the city limits or walk down the streets of Sunnydale.

It was a lie and I knew it. You can only run away for so long before you're running back the way you came from. But it was still too soon and I knew it. I could still feel the pain, so I turned the car south, toward LA and planned to visit Dead Boy and Cordy for a little while, slowly sort of ease my way back into the swing of things. 

But I had to stop for gas, which meant I had to give in to the need and go in the small store and buy a Twinkie. It was a ritual by now; one I'd never managed to break. Twinkies were my last link to my old life and I couldn't cut them out. 

Cutting them out meant losing everything for good and I wasn't sure I was capable of doing that yet. I walked into the shop, reveling in the blast of air conditioning against my overheated skin. I moved over to the snack tray and bent down. Every store kept them in alphabetical order, and I had no idea why. But it always meant Twinkies were at the bottom. 

That's when I heard her. 

"I don't know what to do. I've done everything in my power to reach her, but she's closed herself off. I can't believe she'd let herself go over a boy, much less one that she'd supposedly put behind her. It's her father's fault, you know. He was always trying to fill her head with pseudo-religious allegories, working to convince her that without a man in her life, she was nothing." 

"Your daughter?" The second voice was one I didn't know, but it didn't matter. I knew the first. "I would think she would be a paragon of feminine independence, Sheila." 

"Well, Willow's always been something of a disappointment. Ever since her sophomore year in high school when she met that Bunny Summers. She's lost focus. Now she sits in her room, logging into her classes on her computer, putting for the minimum required effort to exist. I don't know what to do with her. Her tutor - can you believe my daughter needing a tutor? - Anyway, Mr. Giles thinks that perhaps she needs the help of a professional." 

"And what do you think?" 

"Well, I think that she's obviously disturbed. No manno boy is worth all of this. And the sooner Willow realizes that, the better." 

I gave up on the Twinkie, keeping out of Mrs. Rosenberg's sight as I slipped out the door. I finished refueling and got in the car and headed for the one place I knew I could find some answers. 

***

I was halfway to the library before I realized that it wasn't there anymore. Well, by now, it had probably been rebuilt and refurbished, but it wasn't the library I needed. It was the man inside and I realized that I really had no sure way of knowing where he was. 

So I tried his apartment, hoping against hope that he was going to be there. 

I knocked on the door and waited, staring at the crosses carved into the wood. I was about to leave when the door opened and Giles stood there, staring at me, his eyes wide. "Xander." 

"Hey G-man." 

"Don't call me that." His voice was cool and I played the conversation I'd overheard in my head again. His eyes, which had normally smiled at us all with some sort of private amusement, were hard as they appraised me. 

"Can I come in?" 

"I don't know, Xander." He closed the book in his hands and continued to stare at me. "I suppose that would hinge on whether or not you're planning to stay around." 

"I didn't realize that friendship had conditions," I leaned against the doorframe and met his eyes. "I'm not here to hurt anyone, Giles. If that were the case, I'd be looking for Willow rather than staring at you. Let me in?" 

He stood for a moment before nodding, stepping back so that I could walk inside the cool apartment. It looked different, obviously this was now their base of operations. But I was surprised to see the distinct lack of Willow in the room. No computer, no stuffed animal nearby, no soft scent of vanilla on the air. 

"If you're looking for her, you won't find her here. She doesn't come here anymore. She's holed up in the apartment she shares with Buffy, not communicating with anyone unless it's on that damned machine." He pushed his glasses up as he rubbed his nose and my chest tightened at the motion. How many times had he done that in my lifetime? "She's not quite the same girl she was when you left." 

"What happened?" 

His laugh was the most bitter thing I had ever heard. He shook his head and sat down at the desk. "She and Oz broke up about three months after they started college. It wasn't simply the fact that you were gone, although that began to take its toll." 

"She's not with Oz?" 

"No. She hasn't seen him in almost a year. He gave up eventually." 

I sank down onto the couch as his words slowly seeped into my brain. "I don't understand, Giles. Ishe doesn't love me." 

"You were her anchor, Xander. Regardless of her feelings for you, which I think you've grossly underestimated, she was used to you being there for her. She was used to having you beside her. She was"

"I'm more than just someone to lean on. Why is it wrong of me to have needed the time to realize that? Why do I feel like I'm the bad guy for wanting to stop being the Xander Harris dopey fall guy that everyone was used to me being?" 

"Why did you feel you needed to break contact with all of us to achieve that?" 

"I"

"You know what we fight against every night, Xander. You know the fears that we carry. And yet you still didn't write or call or contact us in any way. All you had to do was call me, Xander. You wouldn't have had to face talking to her or having someone ask you to come home. You could have just" he stopped, his face flushed with anger. "We believed you dead." 

"She thinks I'm dead?" 

"Oh no." he laughed again, the bitterness even stronger. "She's the only one who was sure you weren't. She was the only one who believed in you, knew that you'd return." He shook his head, and I could tell he was close to losing his cool. "Not that it made things any easier for her." 

I sat there, listening, afraid to say a word as he told me all of the things that had happened over the two years I was gone. All the things that had made my best friend turn back into the shy wallflower she'd been before we met Buffy. All the things that, piled on top of one another, broke her growing spirit and turned her into a shell of her former self. 

I never realized I had so much power. 

Or how easy it was to abuse. 

When Giles finished his tirade, all spoken in cold even tones, I felt as drained as one of Angelus' victims. I had thought that leaving would give her the chance to be happy without the shadow of our illicit liaison hanging over our heads. I thought it would save me from hurting her again. 

And instead, I'd hurt her more than I'd ever thought possible. I stared down at my hands as silence filled the room. "I never meant to hurt her." 

"But you did." He said softly. There was no accusation in his tone, like I thought there would be. I looked up and he met my gaze. I understood then. He'd done things before that weren't what he should have done or how he should have done them. He knew what it was like. But he didn't like what I had done. "So my question to you Xander, is what are your plans now?" 

"I"

"Because if you have no intention of staying in town, then I have no intention of letting you see Willow. She's fragile right now, more fragile than she's ever been. What she went through when Oz found the two of you together is nothing compared to the state she's in." 

"Can I haveI need to give it some thought, Giles. I hadn't planned on coming back here. I wouldn't have if I hadn't overheard her mother talking to someone about her. But I don't know"

"If you don't know after two years, Xander, I think you should leave. Right away." Giles got up and walked to the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I'd been her Xander all my life, even when I was out there searching for myself, I knew, deep down inside that I was nothing more than the man who would always love her. 

But that was an amazing thing to be. The man who loves Willow. 

"Giles?" 

He came to the door that divided the kitchen from the living room and stood there, the light shadowing his face so that I couldn't see his reaction. "Yes?" 

"I need to see her." 

***

When we get to the dorms, Buffy's standing outside the building as though she's waiting for someone. She smiles when she sees Giles' car, but it's a sad smile. I wonder what plans I've interrupted today as Giles gets out of the car before she can walk over to us. I guess I'm supposed to be a secret. 

They talk for a minute then Buffy nods and heads inside. Giles walks back to me and motions for me to join him. "They're going to talk for a minute. I think they might need to iron some things out." 

I shake my head. "What's going on here, Giles?" He sighs and I know something is wrong. I start for the building, not caring if he's following me. "Why were you meeting Buffy here today? What were you going to do?" 

"We were simply going to try and convince Willow that she needed some help. She's wasting away, Xander. She's"

I take off running, trusting my instincts, well, and Giles' shout of what room they're in, to guide me to her. I don't care if she's not the same. She's Willow. 

I stop in the doorway, frightened by the sight before me. Willow's lost weight. She's practically skin and bones, her skin stretched tight over her face. Her hair is dark and lackluster and I wonder when she'd last washed it. 

She's backing away from Buffy, her eyes wide with fear. Her voice trembles as she shakes her head. "No, Buffy. Please?" 

I can't handle seeing that fear in her eyes, that pain in her voice. "Buffy." 

They both stop moving, frozen by my voice. I can see Willow's whole body trembling as she looks at me as though I'm some sort of ghost. 

Buffy stops and turns toward me, her eyes wide. Her face falls and tears course down her cheeks as she throws herself into my arms. It's overwhelming, the feeling of one of my best friends being so close that I can touch her. The soft smell that is Buffy invades my senses and I want to cry as I catch her and swing her around. She keeps whispering my name over and over, her tears soaking my shoulder as I set her back on her feet. 

Stepping away from Buffy, I hear the crash as the book in Willow's hands falls to the floor. She follows it down, hurriedly grabbing it. I move forward at the same time, capturing her hands in mine as I grab it as well. 

Our eyes meet like they have a million times in the past. 

She looks older. She looks sadder. 

I wonder how I look to her. 

But somehow, I know it doesn't matter. I know that she's seeing the Xander she's always known, just as I'm seeing past the dark circles, the limp hair, the pale skin and the gauntness of her face and looking into the sparkling green eyes of the best friend I've ever had. The woman who has filled my dreams for the past two years, haunting me with her smile. 

"Hello." 

"XXander?" Her voice trembles and she looks away quickly. 

I nod. "Yeah, Will." I take her chin in my hand and make her look at me as I bring my lips down to hers. I brush hers lightly before pulling back to smile at her. "It's me." 

***

I don't know when Buffy left the room, or even if she really did. My world was wrapped up in her eyes, shining with tears of happiness and pain. "Are you home for good?" 

Brushing away the tears that danced down her cheeks, I nodded. "For good. And bad." 

"Are you making some sort of offer here, Xander?" 

I can't help but kiss her, leaning in and brushing my lips against hers. She catches me in the kiss this time, slipping her arms around my neck and pulling me closer. I feel her tongue trace my lips and want nothing more than to open my mouth and invite her inside me. 

I pull back and smile. "We need to start over, Wills. We need to be friends again before I can let us be lovers." 

"We're going to be lovers?" Her voice is teasing and a flood of emotion fills me. She's smiling. 

"Well, if you're lucky." 

Her smile fades and something dark enters her eyes again, disappearing when she looks up at me. "I'm very lucky, Xander. You came home." 

"I'll never leave you again, Wills." 

"I don't mind if you leave, Xander." She took a deep breath and met my eyes. "Just as long as you say goodbye." 

"And come home?" I open my arms and pull her close to me. She relaxes in my hug and I know somehow that everything is going to be all right. 

"Home. Home is good." 

"Home is you." 

* * *


End file.
